It's started already: Today, the four-year-old Minion told me that his five-year-old friend said his Dora Candy Land - one of his favorite games - is a "girl's game". Like it was a bad thing.I had to reassure him that it was a "boys and girls game", so that it was "okay" for him to keep on playing it.
How does that happen? When does it happen?
I don't think that The Husband and I have ever consciously made a distinction to our boys about "girl things" and "boy things". If anything, we've specifically tried NOT to draw those lines. And yet ... they know. Already.
Minion the Elder treats the "pink aisles" in the Target toy section like enemy territory. He gives them a wide berth - as if he knows it's frilly borders are not to be breached by Y chromosomes. And when we watch TV, he happily calls out "I want that!" during "boy" toy commercials and emphatically declares "I don't want that!" during the "girl" toy commercials.
Is it nature or nurture?
I've read interesting studies about how even very young boys tend to "naturally" gravitate toward more "action" toys like trucks and girls toward more "nurturing" toys, like dolls and stuffed animals. But is it "natural"? Or is it just learned so early that there's no real difference?
Are they so culturally saturated from birth in the distinction between masculine and feminine that we have no real chance of countering the lesson? Have the husband and I subconsciously reinforced the message that boys like and do "A, B and C" and that "X, Y and Z" are girl things?
I don't know. Maybe we have.
Personally, I've always been a bit of a tomboy.
Oh, I had a couple of Barbies and even a knock-off Cabbage Patch Doll, but I was usually more interested in playing with my brother's GI Joes or Transformers or He-Man or Star Wars figures. My brother, on the other hand, was the one who spent the most time with my Easy Bake Oven. (Which was telling as he became a chef and I can't boil toast.)
I do sometimes joke with my husband that we are lucky to have boys because I really can't stand some of the toys that are marketed to young girls right now (Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Bratz Dolls). If I did have a girl, I would probably be steering her towards the same toys and games my boys currently have.
In fact, we used to joke that if we had a girl-child, she would turn out to be a ballerina-cheerleader-princess-girly-girl and I would have no idea what to do with her. Because the Universe is an Iron. :)
So, yeah, maybe I have subconsciously encouraged my boys toward more traditionally masculine toys and games. But I'd like to think that I would not balk if they suddenly wanted to play with dolls. (Except those nasty Bratz things. But I wouldn't give them to a girl, either, so that's not gender bias. That's just good taste.)
But, even as a young girl, I remember the social pressure to play and do "girl" things. I can only imagine that the peer pressure must be so much stronger for young boys.
I mean, if a girl wants to play with trucks or Transformers, most people greet that with amused acceptance. But if a boy wants to play with Barbies or Disney Princesses, that's not so kosher, is it?
We still cling to the traditional ideas of masculinity pretty hard. And we do it from birth. Don't believe me? Okay, go buy a pink outfit for a boy baby shower gift.
I guess you could argue that there's nothing inherently wrong with our traditional gender stereotypes. That there's no reason to worry about these things.
And yet, I do.
I do feel a certain wrongness in creating such a clear divide between "boy things" and "girl things" so early in life. It feels ... divisive, alienating, limiting.
What do you think?
I think it's both nature and nurture. Unless you're raising your kids in a lab, it's impossible not to have societal cues enter into this. You may be unconsciously sending out messages, but there's a good chance it's also coming from external sources...his playmates, school, TV. Things we can't always control.
ReplyDeleteStarting around this age, kids are looking to identify with their own gender. It's soon after that boys will typically only be friends with boys and the same for girls. It stays that way for a while. It's natural, even if it feels kind of wrong.
Part of it is wiring though. As much as we strive to treat boys and girls the same, they are different in their play, their interests and their behavior.
I would keep sending the message that things are "okay" for boys and girls, but don't get discouraged if he continues to pull away from things he perceives as "for girls."
The thing is, there's a bias at play too. Because you have boys, you're getting the reaction sooner and with more fervor than if you had a girl. However, that wasn't your question. (That was a post I wrote a couple of months back... remember?)
ReplyDeleteI think it is a combination of the two. We have exposed my son to both ends of the spectrum, and while he still likes some "girly" toys (like Upsy Daisy, for example, but I think that is more a sensory thing with her hair than liking her) but they don't get the excited reaction that a good, old-fashioned truck does. We play with him with both toys equally, so it isn't that.
Ultimately, we have to work within the world we live. No, there is nothing wrong with five year old boys playing with Dora Candy Land, but if it becomes a source of mockery or bullying, then remaining obstinate may be simply foolish pride rather than an insistence on gender neutrality. Follow my logic?
For my boys I feel that they should be exposed to so called boys/girls toys and let them choose which one they prefer. I also feel that media has a part in sterotyping boys - blue , girls- pink and it shouldn't be so. I personally would choose blue over pink.
ReplyDeleteWell, I did spy Mitchell playing with a Barbie...OK, he was undressing her...and I didn't think anything of it. My hubs didn't either. And, though Ellie delcares she is a princess, she is the one playing with that now naked Barbie in the mud hole in the back. I like that!
ReplyDeleteMy honest, gut opinion? We worry too much about this stuff. I think boy and girls are different, plain and simple. It has been proven scientifically that there are biological and hormonal differences between the genders. It would be weird if we didn't see these differences played out in our male and female children. That being said, of course there are going to be boys that like dolls and girls that like trucks and that's okay too. I just wouldn't worry so much if your boys are leaning towards more traditional male toys. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong. It sounds to me like you've done everything right!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you that I also had a fake Cabbage Patch Doll when I was little. I prayed and prayed and prayed for the real thing and it just never happened. God hated me even in the 3rd grade! :) Also, I have a confession to make. I DO buy my daughter Bratz dolls. I know I'm alone in my love for their clothes. It's weird because I don't even dress like them. But the fashion is so much better than I had for my Barbies when I was little. I know you now think I'm a terrible parent. Or maybe you already thought that, I don't know. I do understand WHY parents hate them so much. I wish I could feel the same hatred. Sometimes I think that I don't hate them because everybody else DOES hate them. It's so hard for me to get on the bandwagon, you know? Anyway this is already longer than is normal. Great post, as usual. I hope you don't mind my candor in comments. I don't always agree with everything I read on every blog, as I'm sure many don't agree with everything they read on my blog. I love the differences and also hearing the myriad of opinions that come of one topic, you know?
Gwen, I may not appreciate your taste in girls toys, but I always appreciate your honesty and candor. :) And I almost never get offended or upset by differing opinions.
ReplyDeleteDaddy GB is right, in my opinion, it's both, but Nature is a powerful thing!
ReplyDeleteBefore he could ANYTHING, Elan (now 2) fell in love with cars and trucks. Hugged them. Will still walk up to an SUV and hug it. Nature.
When the middle girl was about 2, she would look at two fairly similar items and say 'this is the boy one and this is the girl one.' "Why?" 'because this one has a pink tail, so it's the girl.' She's pretty obsessed with gender roles.
The boy, tho? He carts a baby doll around, has no problem with that, but loveslovesloves cars, his big boots, wearing a gardening glove all day, firefighter gear, and did I mention TRUCKS?
I think they would be allowed to play with whatever they want - with no distinction.
ReplyDeleteThat said, my son is two and already shows a distinct preference for "boy" things. I didn't teach him to "act" like a boy, but he sure does it. It really is intersting to watch.
I am giving you a Kreativ Blogger Award!
ReplyDeleteGo to my I hate pink blog to see the details.
www.ihatepinkmom.blogspot.com