15 June 2015
Technically, I don't actually do "tech support".
But the reality is, when you have a tiny department, you do a bit of everything. So, as much as I'd love to just hide in my office all day doing my happily antisocial, introverted admin stuff... I end up having to actually *gasp* talk to our staff users pretty frequently.
I thought it might be fun (or at least cathartic) to jot down some of the more interesting and frequent conversations I have as an in-house “IT Guy”. (And by “interesting” I mean, “aaaaarrrrrggghhh” and by “frequent” I mean, “OMFSM IF I HAVE THIS CONVERSATION ONE MORE TIME, MY HEAD MIGHT EXPLODE.”)
So, counting down the Top 5 conversations I have pretty much every week, ranked on a scale of 1 to I-Will-Cut-You:
5) If it was a snake ...
User: I know I asked you this before, but ... (insert very simple question or task here)
Seriously, would it KILL you to just save the answer/instructions from the LAST 10 times I sent it to you? No, hey, it's cool. I totally have nothing better to do than to Google stuff for you allllll day long.
4) The Accuser
User: My password doesn’t work. It worked yesterday. *side eye* Did you change something?
Me: Is your capslock on? Did you accidentally type a comma instead of a period in your email address? Can you try carefully typing your email address and password one more time?
User: Oh, it’s working now. What did you do?
Yes, dear, it's a conspiracy. I get off on logging in and changing passwords at night, just to fuck with you.
3) I have no idea how this happened.
User: I’m getting all these funny pop-ups?
Me: Turn it off. Don’t touch anything. I’m sending someone.
2) Just Make It Happen
Manager: I want X.
Me: OK, here’s a few questions we need to answer to make that purchase.
Manager: *provides partial answers to half the questions*
Me: Okaaaay. How about I give you a call and we can have a chat and figure this out?
Manager: OMG why are you making this so hard? I told you everything you need to know.
You filled in the line next to "Quantity?" with the answer "Sure". How is that even a thing?
Just Make It Happen 2.0
Manager: I want THIS device.
Me: Okay. You know that can't do X, right?
Manager: Yes, yes. I want THIS one.
Me: Here you go.
Manager: Good. Now make it do X.
Me: Um, remember when we told you it can't do X? That was because it can't actually do X.
Manager: OMG WHY DID YOU EVEN BUY ME THIS DEVICE THEN?!
Okay, are you just gaslighting me now, or what?
And in the coveted #1 spot:
1) I AM THE IT GUY!
Less frequent, but still highly stab-worthy, are the occasional men (and it's almost always men), either of the vendor/sales flavor or the new-to-our-organization variety, who don't realize the feminine voice on the other end of the phone is, in fact, the friendly neighborhood "IT Guy".
THAT conversation usually follows some variation of them assuming I’m a secretary and asking me to get a “real” IT guy for them.
Yeah. I’ll get right on that, Sport. You totally just moved to the top of the list. Probably not the list you were expecting, but it's a list.