06 July 2012

Stuff my kids say


The Professor
Age: 7 going on 12
Career Goal: Mad scientist
Interests: Mythbusters
Plants vs. Zombies, Legos, 
Star Wars, Reading, Karate
Catch-Phrase: "Let's build one!"

Age: Just turned 5
Career Goal: Super Villian
  Interests: Angry Birds
Phineas and Ferb
Action Figures, My Little Pony
Chaos and destruction
Catch-Phrase: "Ak-waaaard."

Age: 38
Designated Straight Man

Bam-Bam: "Mommy, can I have cow milk?"
Me: "What's the magic word?"
Bam-Bam: "Abracadabra!!!

Bam-Bam: "Mommy, can I have a donut?"
Me: "I don't have any donuts."
Bam-Bam: "How 'bout you ask your phone to find us a donut shop an' you can get some donuts for you an' me?"

The Professor: "Mommy, I got bit by an ant today. What's gonna happen to me?"
Me: "Probably nothing."
The Professor: "Oh ... But I MIGHT turn into Ant Man!" 
 Me: "I suppose that's possible."
The Professor: *fist pump* "YES!!!"

The Professor, sending Bam-Bam down the big, curvy slide first: "Are you dead?"
Bam-Bam: "No!
The Professor: "Okay, I'm coming down."

Me: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Bam-Bam: "I will be a Villain!" *evil laugh*

Bam-Bam, consoling the dog on his impending doggie vaccinations: "Whatever you do, just don' look at da shots ... And, after, maybe you get a lowipop."

The Professor: "Why is Dr. Who's time machine a phone booth? If I had a time machine, I'd make it a bouncy house, to have fun on the way."

Bam-Bam, drawing a picture-story: "Ok, Daddy, now you are suwownded by lava and dere's a 3-eyed dragon wif sharp teef. An' you don' have your sword."

‎Bam-Bam, crying in his bed after the Professor brought home a Mother's Day craft from school.
Me: "What's wrong?"
Bam-Bam: "I didn't make a mother's day present."
Me, heart melting: "It's okay, sweetie, I don't need a present. I just want to spend the day with you. You don't have to give me anything."
Bam-Bam: "Okay ... But you won't forget to get me things for Christmas, right?"

Me: "What do we call an animal that only eats meat?"
The Professor: "A carnivore!"
Me: "And an animal that only eats plants?"
The Professor: "An herbivore!"
Me: "And an animal that eats both meat and plants?"
Bam-Bam: "A mommy-vore!"

Car: *rattling* a little over a bumpy part in the road.
Bam-Bam: Oh no! She's breaking up! We gotta jump for it!

Bam-Bam: "I'm good at hopping. Hopping is my talent. ... And my other talent is being cute."

Bam-Bam, walking into my bathroom just after my shower, wrinkling his nose, declaring: "It smells like girl in here." and marching out. 

Me: Want to help me pick out what to wear today?
Bam-Bam: No. Daddy can do that. I really don't want to see you naked.

Me: Oh, look at the cool pic @grantimahara tweeted.
The Professor, so awed there is a real danger he might suck all the air out of the rooom: "Grant Imahara?!? The MythBuster who was raised by robots!?! That's SO cool!"

Bam-Bam, running into my room at 6:30 a.m.: "Mommy, there's a black puddle in the living room!"
Me, following them back to the living room: "Oh dear ... That's dog diarrhea."
The Professor: "What's diarrhea?"
Me: "It's dog poop."
The Professor: "Ewwwww, Bam-Bam, it's melty dog-poop!"
Bam-Bam: Oh darn. I was hoping we struck oil.

Bam-Bam, meditating:

Miss me?