The Writing Dead: Party like you have to climb back into the grave at sunrise

This is your mandatory October playlist, people, write it down.

10) Odds Are

Okay, technically, this is not a "Halloween" song. But it IS my favorite band of all time AND it DOES have zombies. So, shut up. It counts.

9) I Put a Spell on You

This is one of those movies I just HAVE to watch every October.
Amuck, amuck, amuck!

8) Beetlejuice: Day-O and Shake Senora


A twofer from Beetlejuice: Yes, technically, neither of these songs are specifically "Halloween-y". But I defy you to find someone in my generation who doesn't immediately think of this movie when they hear them. 

7) Ghostbusters

  Trigger Warning: 80s Flashbacks may ensue.

6) Don't Fear the Reaper

Most people don't even know BOC even HAD other songs, do they?

Oh well. These guys still rock it.
And the guitar solo around 2:50 is almost worth including this one all by itself.

5) Time Warp

Is it even possible to make a Halloween song list without including at least one song from Rocky Horror? Or maybe two ... 

4) Science Fiction Double Feature

This one's a twofer, 'cause, sure, the classic from Rocky Horror is, well, The Classic. But I love this cover by Black Math Experiment, too (skip ahead to 1:09 for the good stuff).

3) This is Halloween! 

Another classic with a twist: "This is Halloween" from Tim Burton's iconic "Nightmare Before Christmas" - but this time performed by my favorite Las Vegans: Panic! at the Disco. Speaking of Danny Elfman .... 

2) Dead Man's Party

Yeah, it's gonna be in your head all day now. You're welcome.

1) Thriller

Oh, come on, like you didn't know this was going to be here.

Kiss Kiss, Bite Bite,
Zen

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a ninja. Always be a ninja.

My son wants matching costumes to match for Halloween - Ninjas. Cuz ninjas are cool. His was pretty easy to find:

Then we asked the costume store clerk to help us find a "matching" women's ninja costume. She brought us to this:

The mom in me thought: Holy Hell, Lady, I'm going trick-or-treating with my 8-year-old, not to a bacchanal at Hefner's house.

The martial artist in me thought: Her boob would fall right out of that thing if she tried to do a good side kick.

Both me's were pretty disgusted that this was the only women's ninja costume we could find at FIVE STORES.

So, I spent a bit of time with my pal, Google ... and came away rather horrified at the differences in the men's and women's versions of the "same" costumes.

Of course, I had to share ... enjoy the photo gallery as I rant on.

I get it: Men and women are built differently - Vive la différence! 

And there's nothing wrong with fitted or feminine costumes. Personally, I'd much rather wear a costume that's cut for my curves, than some one-size-fits-none sack.

But a LOT of these costumes sprint right past "fitted" or "flattering" or even "sexy" and dive straight into the ridiculously skanky end of the pool.

I get that some costumes have a built-in sexy factor. But it bugs me that most of the female versions of what should be gender-neutral costumes are gratuitously over-sexualized.

There's an implication that a woman can't actually be these characters -  Instead, we're relegated to hyper-sexual parodies of them.

And before someone starts accusing me of slut-shaming all those sweet college girls and hot MILFs who just want to have a little fun on Halloween: I'm not saying there's anything wrong with sexy outfits per se - on Halloween or any other day. (Well, it's probably not a good idea to wear your "naughty nurse" outfit to your kid's fall pageant; but, hey, that's up to you.)

(Caveat: there's nothing inherently wrong with an ADULT dressing in a sexy costume. You DO NOT want to get me started about the trickle down trend of "sexy" tween and kids costumes. Anybody who thinks a "sexy" kids costume is a good idea can just go stand over there in your wrongness and be wrong.)

I'm not even saying that I wouldn't ever wear a "sexy" costume - I would and I have.

But there's a line here somewhere, and I'm afraid we've trampled across it in our fishnets and stilettos.

It's getting to the point where it's becoming difficult to even find women's costumes that are NOT all bustiers and mini-skirts.

Seriously: Google "women's police costume". Let me know how many pages it takes you to find one that is not "sexy".

Take a look around a Halloween store (IRL or online, take your pick). I estimate a 10:1 ratio of "sexy" costumes to "normal" costumes for women  - as opposed to something more like 1:50 for men.

And yet there are many women who rush to defend the continued skankification (technical term) of women's costumes as "empowering" because we're "embracing our sexuality".

Bullshit.

Turning Halloween costumes into glorified masturbatory aides is not how you "own your sexuality".

Is it really too much to ask for some middle ground between "men's" costumes and "sexy" costumes? Is it really so hard to make a woman's costume that acknowledges my gender without objectifying it? Are there really so few women who would prefer that?

What does that say about us? What does it say to our kids?


Just wanna be a ninja,
Zen

Wanna see something really scary? 

More comparisons of "men's" and "women's" versions of "the same" costumes:

It's like they were separated at birth.

Accio robe. 

Hers has about a 10th of the fabric and you KNOW it still costs more.

Yeah, this seems historically accurate to me.

You don't even want to see the Red Riding Hood costumes.

These two live in the same climate, right?

"Hey, you know who could be sexier? The cowgirl doll from that kids movie." 

He's covered neck to toe in inflammable protective gear.

She apparently repels flames with the power of her cleavage.

What? That's totally standard issue women's prison uniform.
Except during the nightly pillow fights, then they go naked.

Oh, look a sailor. And, um, ... a Rockette?

Insert "booty" pun here.

Those heels are going to destroy the turf.

Well, the hat and the magnifying glass are the same. 

They both have a whip, but somehow only hers implies bondage. I blame the tiny hat.

Holy Skank, Batman!

They actually managed to make a comics costume even MORE slutty than the comics usually do.

Ho Ho Ho meets 'Ho 'ho 'ho.

Dear Buddha, Please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket ...

Happy Holidays!

This is normally the time of year when this agnostically atheist Taoist with Buddhist leanings goes on a bit of a tear about things like the ridiculousness of people getting offended by the use of "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" or the differences between secular and religious holidays of the season.

But, frankly, it's all been said.

And I'd rather spend the very few minutes I have free for blogging today to just wish *everyone* a jolly holiday - whichever one or two or six you choose to celebrate and whichever way you choose to celebrate them.

We observed the Winter Solstice earlier this week, and today, we're baking cookies and pies and other yummy things for the first of two Christmas feasts this weekend.

Personally, I'm kinda looking forward to Boxing Day, too. Any excuse to celebrate works for me. ;)

Take a minute to tell me what and how YOU celebrate this time of year?

Happy Chrismahanakwanzayulestice,
Zen

You bring the bullets, I'll bring the wine

I've occasionally been accused of having a bit of a bite to my sense of humor. So, it's not really a surprise that my take on Valentine's Day has, in the past, been just a smidge on the sick-and-twisted side.

Let the tradition continue:

 

 

And, finally, because a ZenMom Valentine's Day post is just not complete without Zombies ...

Be Mine,
Zen


P.S. Trooper Thorn over at Dogs and Jeans has a V-Day post I can get behind. ;)

* Images blatantly borrowed from the devilishly brilliant WrongCards and Someecards.

** Post Title: Bullets, byBob Schneider

Irresolute

It's no secret that I'm not big on making New Year's resolutions. I'm all for goals, but I just don't see any special significance in setting them at the turning of the calendar 

Still, I suppose I do have a few things I'd like to accomplish in 2011. In no particular order, I'd like to:

• Beat SciFi Dad at Words with Friends. At least once.
• Earn my Yellow Belt in Kenpo. Maybe even my Orange Belt. 
• See at least one "grown-up" movie in the theater. This is harder than it sounds. I seriously can't remember the last non-G-Rated movie we went to.
• Develop a get-out-of-debt plan that doesn't involve faking my own death. 
• Comment more frequently on my favorite blogs. Which, for some strange reason, are all dad blogs. Is that weird?
• Write more. Here, yes. But also on my other personal writing projects. Because if I keep focusing only on the writing I get paid for, I'm pretty sure my brain will start to leak out of my ears before midsummer.
• Read more. Because the pile of books next to my bed is getting tall enough that if it topples over, it could trap or injure a pet or small child. 
• And, of course, complete that annual update of the old Zombie Survival Plans.

So, do you have any big plans for 2011?

Zen

###

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving the road to hell with them as usual. ~ Mark Twain

New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights. ~ Hamilton Wright Mabie

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's. ~ Henry Moore

 One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. ~John Burroughs
 
###

I reject your [holiday] reality and substitute my own

I wasn't going to pull out the old "can't we all just get along" holiday soap box this year. But, sadly, my annual rant on the subject is still relevant.

Once again, I've been reading tweets, posts, blogs, etc. from small-minded people who feel they need to define "Christmas" (and, usually, other holidays) for other people.

Once again, I've been called hypocritical for being an atheist who celebrates a secular "Christmas". Because, simply by uttering the name, "CHRISTmas", I must be acknowledging the validity of the Christian savior, right?

Poppycock and balderdash.

If I call the fifth day of the week "Thursday", does that also mean that I believe in the Norse god of Thunder?

And yet, on one side you have Christians claiming that non-Christians are usurping "their" holiday. On another, you have atheists denouncing any suggestion of holiday trimmings as perpetuating commercialism or religion. And then there is yet a third group of Pagans and such who will be happy to 'splain to you all about how the Christians stole their holiday traditions in the first place.

And, so, once again, I say to all three camps: "Thhbbbt."

Get over yourself.

If you think there is only one way and reason to celebrate Christmas, well, that's fine. But, in the words of one of my favorite Mythbusters, "I reject your reality and substitute my own."

There is more than enough room on and around December for all the celebrations one could want.

Setting aside for the moment that there are a ton of other holidays also celebrated in December, trying to define a right and wrong way to celebrate "Christmas" is just egotistical to the extreme. Why would you even care how someone else celebrates? Does it really affect you at all?

So, while you are arguing your semantics, I will be enjoying the lights on my Yule tree, wrapping Christmas presents from Santa (the 1930's Coca-Cola version is preferred in this house), singing traditional songs from many different cultures and religions, and teaching my kids about Hanukkah, Bodhi Day, Winter Solstice and many more of the strange and wonderful traditions, new and old, that people share all over the world.

And if you think I'm doin' it wrong, you can just stuff it in your stocking.

Sorry, but I just refuse to cram myself in the little box of others' preconceptions. It's dark and cramped and no fun at all.

So, I'll just celebrate for my reasons and with my traditions, and you celebrate for and with yours, yeah? And, if it's not too much to ask, can we all call our celebrations whatever we want without arguing about who owns the patents?

Whatever you may celebrate this year, I hope this season is a happy one for you and your loved ones.

Happy Chrismahanakwaanzayulstice,
Zen

We don't go anywhere with "scary", "spooky", "haunted" or "forbidden" in the title

In honor of Halloween season, I'm recycling my favorite "scary" story...
 
My first warning should have been when my date told me our evening was going to be a "surprise". In my experience, surprising me rarely ends well for all parties involved.

But, I was young - 19, I think - and he was a fun and romantic guy intent on creatively wooing me. So, I thought to myself, "Hey, self, try being spontaneous for once! It'll be fun, right? Right!

- dundundun-

My only hint of what was to come before he picked me up that chilly October evening was when he told me to wear comfortable clothes and walking shoes.

Still, when he proceeded to take us far out of town into the sparsely populated countryside, I have to admit my inner monologue was starting to sound something like this:

Ummm. Okay. This isn't scary or anything. I'm sure he's totally NOT a serial killer taking me to a secluded spot to chop me into tiny pieces. But, just in case I'm wrong, let's just examine the handle on this car door in the event that I may need to jump out and run for my life.

So, I have to admit I was just a little relieved when we turned a corner and came upon a big lighted parking lot out there in the middle of nowhere.

Of course, that relief turned to dread again when I realized we were at a "Haunted Forest".

Now, here's something you need to know about your Auntie Zen, kids: I don't do scary.

I've never worn a scary Halloween costume, I don't watch horror movies; I only rarely read scary books (and then it's only during daylight hours and I usually follow it with a Disney movie chaser to get the ick out); I'd rather roast s'mores than listen to a spooky campfire story; and I've been known to totally freak myself out a la the Blair Witch Project over unidentified noises and shadows in the dark. (By the way, the person who forced me to watch the Blair Witch Project - I'm still not speaking to him.) For heaven's sake, I slept with a night light until I was ... oh, wait, I still sleep with a night light!

And I most definitely DO NOT do Haunted Houses.

So, yeah, you get the idea ... having scary things jump out at me in close quarters is pretty high on my things-I-never-want-to-do list.

My enthusiasm was for this "surprise" date was flagging just a bit at this point.

But, hey, I'm a trooper. I can do this! It will be fun! Right? Right! And, oh! Look! There's not-scary stuff here, too! There's kiddie games and a hay ride and corn maze! I can do that!

I was pondering whether or not I might have preferred the "So I Dated an Axe Murderer" scenario when said date grabbed me by the hand and enthusiastically led me right past the kiddie games and the hay ride and the corn maze and straight to the "Haunted Forest".

Oh, Hell.

Okay. Pull it together, you. Look at the little kids going in there in front of you! If they can do it, you can do it.

Just about then, the screams started drifting out of the thicket of trees.

"Um, so, are you sure you don't want to go do the bean bag toss or bob for apples or ... " I started.

"Oh, don't be scared," my date was the picture of manly support. "I'll be right there with the you the whole time."

More screams. And now, growling noises.

Ohmigawd-ohmigawd-ohmigawd. Self, we do NOT want to go in there, right? Right!

"Or we could go make out on the hay ride!" I said, desperate now.

That almost did it. He paused, but then laughed and handed our tickets to the witch at the entrance. "Don't worry, it's just good fun."

Famous last words.

Okay, self, suck it up. You can do this. Oh, and self, you should maybe not squeeze your date's hand so hard. I think his fingers are turning blue. And try not to think about the dark branches that seem to be reaching out to grab you... or the dark, tight space closing in on you ... or that rustling noise in the bushes ahead ... or that sound like heavy breathing near your ear.

I was pressed up against my date so tightly at this point that you couldn't see light between us - even if there had been light to see. Which there wasn't. Because it was freakin' dark in there. Did I mention I don't like the dark?

Okay, breathe, you can do this. Right? ... Right? Um ...

I honestly could not tell you a single thing about the first 1/3 of that haunted forest, except to say that it scared the bejeebus out of me. Apparently, I've blocked out all of the traumatic details.

But I do know that I was damn-near hyperventilating by the time the werewolf jumped us.

We were coming around a corner when the werewolf leaped out of the bush right next to me - meaty arms raised, sharp claws reaching, pointy canines bared, a deep throaty growl on his bloodthirsty lips ...

Yeah, it was exactly like that.

What the hell do you think I did? I shrieked like a little girl and jumped about two feet backwards - tripping over an exposed tree root in the process and landing on my ass - but not before I heard an ominous *snap* from the general direction of my ankle.

My date honestly did not believe me at first when I told him I was pretty sure I'd broken my ankle. But I guess the screaming and falling back down when I tried to put weight on my leg did the trick. He jerry-rigged a (pretty decent!) field splint and helped the EMTs carry me basket-style out of the thick trees. Then he followed the (probably unnecessary) ambulance to the nearest emergency room. And he sat with me in the exam room and entertained and distracted me while the (definitely necessary) pain meds kicked in.

Ahhhhh, drugs are good. Everything will be okay, now right? Riiiiight.

I still think he only really believed my ankle was actually broken when the doctor showed us the x-rays. But he was still very chivalrous and attentive during the whole evening.

Especially when the werewolf showed up again.

Yep, the young man who played the werewolf at the Haunted Forest actually stopped by the emergency room when he got off of work to check on me. Wasn't that sweet?

I gave him a hug. Of course, I was all hopped up on those really good pain meds by then, so I'm pretty sure I was hugging nurses, doctors, x-ray techs, and anybody else who said a kind word to me at that point.

I think my date was just a teensy bit jealous when the werewolf - who was kinda cute without his mask - gave me his phone number and asked me to call him to let him know that I was okay. There might have been growling. (Please note me NOT making the obvious dogs-fighting-over-a-bone joke here. You're welcome.)

For their part, the Haunted Forest folks sent me a bright orange t-shirt that said "I survived the [redacted] Haunted Forest". (Later, I corrected it by adding "barely" with a Sharpie.) They also sent me some free passes to come back.

Riiiiight.

Believe it or not ... this is not the weirdest date I've ever been on. Or even the only date to end in medical treatment.

Even more amazing? There was a third date with Haunted Forest guy.

But that's another story ...


Still easily spooked,
Zen


How about you? Have a good haunted house (or forest or whatever) story? Gather 'round the virtual campfire and do tell ... 

*Post title from: Scooby Doo

Everyone hail to the pumpkin song

Since Christmas decorations are in the stores, I guess it's time to start thinking about Halloween.

In truth, my kids have been thinking about Halloween for weeks. The Professor wants to put up gravestones and scary ghosts ("But not too scary, Mommy.") in the yard. (Me, I want zombie arms.) And BamBam has been changing into costumes from the dress-up box and asking "Today is Ha-ween?" almost daily. And last weekend, my parents took The Minions to a Pumpkin Patch. So, I need to start planning this year's Pumpkin Post Mortems, as well.

And then there's the costumes.

My kids have changed their minds so many times this year about what they want to dress up as, that I can't even keep them straight anymore.

I can't figure out if it's best to just make them pick something early to give me the time to purchase/make whatever we need ... or to just let them keep randomly cycling through their preferences until the week before Halloween and then *shudder* fight the crowds to get what they want.

So far this year, The Minions have "decided" they want to be:

• Batman and Robin
• Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters
• A Knight and Dragon (which is what they were last year)
• Jedi (two years ago)
• Shaggy and Scooby
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Superman and Batman
• Indiana Jones and Chewbacca*

I suspect they will settle shortly on Batman and Robin. You'll note that The Minions tend to forgo the more traditional ghosts and witches and vampires and even the more mundane police officer or firefighter or doctor. They tend to gravitate toward more geeky guises. I can't imagine where they get that from.  Ahem.

And yes, I am the dork who thinks its fun to dress my kids up in matching outfits. In fact, one of these days (before the boys think Mom and Dad are so totally unhip that they can't hang out with us anymore) I'm going to get my act together and plan costumes for all four of us around a theme.

Because, yes, I'm also the dork that thinks it's still fun for adults to dress up for Halloween, too. The ZenHusband and I have been doing it since before The Minions even came along.

< tangent >

What is it about Halloween that brings out the inner slut in so many women?

I admit that I've been somewhat guilty of this one myself: The ZenHusband and I did Batgirl/Penguin one year (tight); Peter Pan/Cap'n Hook another year (sorta skimpy) and Pirate/Wench (cleavage-y) yet another year. (We're still planning to do a Red Riding Hood/Big Bad Wolf combo one year, too. But we're looking for just the right wolf costume.) So, yeah, I've worn costumes that were a leeettle bit on the risque side. But, I think, still within a certain level of decorum.

I don't have anything against "sexy" costumes, per se. But, wow! Some of the costumes I've seen women sporting look like they came out of a fetish magazine. Or at least Playboy. It's getting to the point where you can hardly even find an costume that's not overly sexualized.

And I suspect that most of the women wearing these x-rated costumes are all buttoned-up-and-denim 364 days a year. But October 31 rolls around and that gives them an excuse to go all fishnets and stilettos and barely-there. Why is that?

I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if these women were built like the models on the costume packaging. But, really? A-Cup Vampira and Muffin-Top Wonder Woman are just wrong.

< /tangent > 

Bottom line: While Thanksgiving feasts are great and I do love me some Xmas mornings, Halloween is, to my mind, the big winner on the Holiday Fun-o-Meter. And I'm ready to get revved up for this year's Spooky doin's.

How do YOU "do" Halloween?

Quivering with antici ...
Zen

*Okay, so technically, Indiana Jones and Chewbacca don't "match" like the others, but my ruling on the field is to allow it under a general "George Lucas" theme.

Post Title: Do I really have to tell you this one?

From the Vault: Nobody Told Me

In honor of Mother's Day, I'm recycling this post from my archives ...

When my first son was only a few weeks old, another mother said to me:

"Being a mother is like having your heart walking around outside of your body."

I agreed. But I didn't fully understand at the time.

I stood there with her and I thought of my beautiful new baby. I thought about how the surprising depths of my love for this itty bitty new person ... I thought about how becoming a mom throws all of your priorities out the window ... and I thought about how I would do anything for this amazing child of mine.

And I thought I understood what she was telling me.

But I didn't. Not yet.

All I knew in those precious, priceless first months was that my son was the new center of the universe. I knew the joy. I knew the excitement. I knew the overwhelming love. I even knew some of the nervousness and fear.

But I didn't know about the pain. Yet.

I didn't realize, then, that a Mother feels everything her child feels - only magnified.

I didn't know that when my sons were hurt, I would bleed.

"Being a mother is like having your heart walking around outside of your body."

Nobody tells you these things before you're a parent.

Nobody tells you that when they fall down, you feel the impact bruise your body. Nobody tells you that when they get sick, your skin burns with fever. Nobody tells you that when someone breaks their hearts, yours rips open, too.

Nobody tells you how joyously painful it is to let your Heart wander out into that big scary world every day, knowing that you can't protect them from all of the dangers they will face.

Then again, maybe they do tell you. Or try to. Maybe we just don't hear it. Maybe it's one of those things you have to learn on your own.

"Being a mother is like having your heart walking around outside of your body."


Happy Mother's Day,
Zen

Pop Culture Peeps

Happy Easter, Peeps!

We are busy biting the heads off of bunnies and chickies today over here at the House of Zen. But before the sugar crash hits, I thought I'd share some of my favorite pop-culture Peep art, borrowed from various and sundry places around the interwebs.

I admit my sense of peep-humor is just ever-so-slightly off-of-center. But if you want to see some more fun and interesting Peep art, check out the Washington Post's 2010 Peep Diorama Contest. There are a lot of people out there with a very weird talent and a lot of time on their hands.

Happy Hunting,
Zen