My first warning should have been when my date told me our evening was going to be a "surprise". In my experience, surprising me rarely ends well for all parties involved.
But, I was young - 19, I think - and he was a fun and romantic guy intent on creatively wooing me. So, I thought to myself, "Hey, self, try being spontaneous for once! It'll be fun, right? Right!
- dundundun-
My only hint of what was to come before he picked me up that chilly October evening was when he told me to wear comfortable clothes and walking shoes.
Still, when he proceeded to take us far out of town into the sparsely populated countryside, I have to admit my inner monologue was starting to sound something like this:
Ummm. Okay. This isn't scary or anything. I'm sure he's totally NOT a serial killer taking me to a secluded spot to chop me into tiny pieces. But, just in case I'm wrong, let's just examine the handle on this car door in the event that I may need to jump out and run for my life.
So, I have to admit I was just a little relieved when we turned a corner and came upon a big lighted parking lot out there in the middle of nowhere.
Of course, that relief turned to dread again when I realized we were at a "Haunted Forest".
Now, here's something you need to know about your Auntie Zen, kids: I don't do scary.
I've never worn a scary Halloween costume, I don't watch horror movies; I only rarely read scary books (and then it's only during daylight hours and I usually follow it with a Disney movie chaser to get the ick out); I'd rather roast s'mores than listen to a spooky campfire story; and I've been known to totally freak myself out a la the Blair Witch Project over unidentified noises and shadows in the dark. (By the way, the person who forced me to watch the Blair Witch Project - I'm still not speaking to him.) For heaven's sake, I slept with a night light until I was ... oh, wait, I still sleep with a night light!
And I most definitely DO NOT do Haunted Houses.
So, yeah, you get the idea ... having scary things jump out at me in close quarters is pretty high on my things-I-never-want-to-do list.
My enthusiasm was for this "surprise" date was flagging just a bit at this point.
But, hey, I'm a trooper. I can do this! It will be fun! Right? Right! And, oh! Look! There's not-scary stuff here, too! There's kiddie games and a hay ride and corn maze! I can do that!
I was pondering whether or not I might have preferred the "So I Dated an Axe Murderer" scenario when said date grabbed me by the hand and enthusiastically led me right past the kiddie games and the hay ride and the corn maze and straight to the "Haunted Forest".
Oh, Hell.
Okay. Pull it together, you. Look at the little kids going in there in front of you! If they can do it, you can do it.
Just about then, the screams started drifting out of the thicket of trees.
"Um, so, are you sure you don't want to go do the bean bag toss or bob for apples or ... " I started.
"Oh, don't be scared," my date was the picture of manly support. "I'll be right there with the you the whole time."
More screams. And now, growling noises.
Ohmigawd-ohmigawd-ohmigawd. Self, we do NOT want to go in there, right? Right!
"Or we could go make out on the hay ride!" I said, desperate now.
That almost did it. He paused, but then laughed and handed our tickets to the witch at the entrance. "Don't worry, it's just good fun."
Famous last words.
Okay, self, suck it up. You can do this. Oh, and self, you should maybe not squeeze your date's hand so hard. I think his fingers are turning blue. And try not to think about the dark branches that seem to be reaching out to grab you... or the dark, tight space closing in on you ... or that rustling noise in the bushes ahead ... or that sound like heavy breathing near your ear.
I was pressed up against my date so tightly at this point that you couldn't see light between us - even if there had been light to see. Which there wasn't. Because it was freakin' dark in there. Did I mention I don't like the dark?
Okay, breathe, you can do this. Right? ... Right? Um ...
I honestly could not tell you a single thing about the first 1/3 of that haunted forest, except to say that it scared the bejeebus out of me. Apparently, I've blocked out all of the traumatic details.
But I do know that I was damn-near hyperventilating by the time the werewolf jumped us.
We were coming around a corner when the werewolf leaped out of the bush right next to me - meaty arms raised, sharp claws reaching, pointy canines bared, a deep throaty growl on his bloodthirsty lips ...
Yeah, it was exactly like that.What the hell do you think I did? I shrieked like a little girl and jumped about two feet backwards - tripping over an exposed tree root in the process and landing on my ass - but not before I heard an ominous *snap* from the general direction of my ankle.
My date honestly did not believe me at first when I told him I was pretty sure I'd broken my ankle. But I guess the screaming and falling back down when I tried to put weight on my leg did the trick. He jerry-rigged a (pretty decent!) field splint and helped the EMTs carry me basket-style out of the thick trees. Then he followed the (probably unnecessary) ambulance to the nearest emergency room. And he sat with me in the exam room and entertained and distracted me while the (definitely necessary) pain meds kicked in.
Ahhhhh, drugs are good. Everything will be okay, now right? Riiiiight.
I still think he only really believed my ankle was actually broken when the doctor showed us the x-rays. But he was still very chivalrous and attentive during the whole evening.
Especially when the werewolf showed up again.
Yep, the young man who played the werewolf at the Haunted Forest actually stopped by the emergency room when he got off of work to check on me. Wasn't that sweet?
I gave him a hug. Of course, I was all hopped up on those really good pain meds by then, so I'm pretty sure I was hugging nurses, doctors, x-ray techs, and anybody else who said a kind word to me at that point.
I think my date was just a teensy bit jealous when the werewolf - who was kinda cute without his mask - gave me his phone number and asked me to call him to let him know that I was okay. There might have been growling. (Please note me NOT making the obvious dogs-fighting-over-a-bone joke here. You're welcome.)
For their part, the Haunted Forest folks sent me a bright orange t-shirt that said "I survived the [redacted] Haunted Forest". (Later, I corrected it by adding "barely" with a Sharpie.) They also sent me some free passes to come back.
Riiiiight.
Believe it or not ... this is not the weirdest date I've ever been on. Or even the only date to end in medical treatment.
Even more amazing? There was a third date with Haunted Forest guy.
But that's another story ...
Still easily spooked,
Zen
How about you? Have a good haunted house (or forest or whatever) story? Gather 'round the virtual campfire and do tell ...
*Post title from: Scooby Doo
Like you, I do not do Scary--anything and surprises are stupidly infuriating to me. Let me have as much info as you have and then I may be content !~! No promises. I hear you and I am so sorry about your ankle. I await the rest of the story of you and this fellow.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the story is 'and they dated and fell in love and only broke up when the chivalrous man was called into duty by his strong morality when a nearby elementary school caught on fire. Turning his handsome head, he turned to tell me he loved me. He saved ten children that day before succumbing to the flames himself.
ReplyDeleteI later found his diary where he, so brave in life, listed his reasons for loving me and his wishes for my future happiness. With time, I abided by his wishes and married a good man who fathered my two children, but I'll never forget my knight in shining armor who saved me that fateful day, just as he would save those children.
I named my two boys in honor of that brave man and that fateful date: my oldest is named Wolfie, and the baby we call Splinty.
I'll never forget that earnest, honest, well-hung man. Ever.
Your internal monologue talked about bobbing and sucking. Maybe if you had let him know what was on your mind you wouldn't have ended up at the haunted forest.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid (or maybe fortunate is a better word!) that I don't have a story that can equal that! There was another date after this? You must have really liked him!
ReplyDeleteSounds painful, but sure made for a great story! (I don't remember reading this the last time around - glad you reposted.)
ReplyDeleteI'm also with you on not doing scary, but mostly because I don't get the point.
PS, I admit I sort of had the same thought as SciFi - we're so classy.
Lynda: Thanks. See, you get it: It's not a cowardly thing. It's a control-freak thing, right? :)
ReplyDeleteMintz: Your creative fictions always make me laugh. Thanks. But, honestly, the real story is much juicier, doncha think? Don't worry, though. I doubt very much that I will ever post that here.
SFD: I try to save bobbing and sucking for date 3. What kind of girl do you think I am? Was. Whatever.
Hubman: That, or those pain meds were *really* good.
YEO: *note to self: Men are easily distracted by oral sex euphemisms* (Duh.)
Too funny, Zen dear. I have never been afraid of haunted anythings. We went to a haunted forest when Troy and I got together. It was too dumb for words. I would love to go to the one you went to.
ReplyDeleteI have a funny story for you, well it's funny to me, maybe not to you.
Several years ago, some friends and I went to a bunch of different haunted houses and ghost runs. We soon discovered that one of the girls in the group was terrified by chainsaws. ~insert evil laugh~
The full moon fell on Friday 13th that year. We decided to play a little prank on her. She was out with her boyfriend that night who was in on this (nice boyfriend, huh). My other two friends and I made up some excuses as to where we'd be and none of us were together to her knowledge. We got a hold of scary masks and a chainsaw, shut the electricity off to her house (the other GF of mine was her room mate). The "victim's" boyfriend called us on their way back and we lurked behind the garage with only the moon to light the yard. Then... they pulled into the drive.
We heard her keys and came running out from behind the garage with the chainsaw roaring and our creepy masks. I swear I think the girl peed her pants. She was screaming and practically climbing up the door because she couldn't get it unlocked fast enough.
She did finally realize what was going on, went in the house and locked us all out. hahaha Good times, good times.
Stacy ~ sgr123
Stacey, you know I love you, but I am NEVER going trick or treating with you.
ReplyDeleteI was totally hoping the story would end with, "And so I married him and he's been making up to me every since..."
ReplyDeleteSheri: That WOULD make a neat "how I met your father" kind of story, wouldn't it? ;)
ReplyDelete