On anger

Recently, I wrote a post about my frustration with someone I work with.

Ironically, THIS came up on my "Quote of the Day" calendar this morning ...

"Work is love made visible.
And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste,
it is better that you should sit at the gate of the temple
and take alms of those who work with joy."
~ Kahlil Gibran

Looks like this reminder came just in time, eh? The universe is funny like that. :)

But it really did make me think. I do take joy in my work the majority of the time. Overall, it is something I enjoy and would miss were it gone. But, yes, there are moments of frustration and even anger.

Usually, when I get to feeling frustrated, I talk it out with my lunch-buddy - one of my best friends. She and I go to lunch and we bitch a little and then we laugh about it and we move on. We joke that we should be able to write off our weekly lunches as occupational therapy. It really is cathartic.

This time, I tried writing about it.

To be honest, I really hesitated to put the anger and frustration I was feeling into so permanent a form. On the one hand, I thought it could be good for me to "get it out". On the other hand, it makes it ... permanent. It gives it life outside my own mind.

I did feel better after I wrote it. I'd satisfied the need to vent a little and I felt like some of the negativity was purged from system. I was ready to let it go.

It's gone.

But, also, it's not.

Because it's still here - in black and white.

The feelings are gone, but the words remain. A reminder of that negativity. A reminder that words said in anger can never really be "taken back".

I think this is the first time I've ever posted anything so negative - the first time I've vented anger and frustration in writing. And now it's part of the permanent record.

I can own that. And learn from it.

As I've said before, "zen" isn't about feeling calm all the time. Anger is a part of who we are, too. To deny it, to sublimate it, is unhealthy. It's "okay" to feel anger. The problems happen when we act on that anger. Or when we hold on to it.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
~ Siddhartha Gautama

The best thing is to accept that you feel the anger in this moment and then let it go.

If you are holding on to anger from the last moment, then you are not fully invested in this moment.

So ... does writing about anger help you move from that moment to the next? Does it help you learn and grow? Or does it prolong the feelings, distract from the now? Does scratching that immediate itch give you relief ... or does it only serve to leave more lasting marks?

I don't know.

But, for me , I think my "therapy lunches" with my girlfriend work better.

###

Once upon a time there was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he should hammer a nail in the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. But gradually, the number of daily nails dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the first day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He proudly told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

"You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound is still there."