Tale of the Magic Jeans

I don't like shopping for jeans. C'mon, who does? Really?

For me, it's like "Cathy" shopping for swimsuits. I start out with positive expectations and slowly devolve into disappointment, frustration and lowered self-esteem to the point where I want to grab the nearest fashion designer by the ears and scream, "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES!"

Well, it turns out someone was paying attention to that war-cry of hippy women everywhere (I'm lookin' at you, moms.) Because NYDJ came out with Not Your Daughter's Jeans with "Tummy Tuck" technology.

I know. You're skeptical. So was I! I saw the sign and thought, "Pfft, yeah, whatever."

Then I read their miracle-tonic label, "Flattens your tummy! Lifts your Butt!" Suuuuuure it does. "Makes you look and feel a size smaller!" I actually snorted at that one. Ignoring the dirty look from the nearby saleswoman, I read on: "... no love handles ... more comfortable than your favorite sweat pants ..."

What? No claim that it erases wrinkles and cures world hunger?!

I didn't buy their snake-oil sales pitch for a minute .

But ... they did feel really soft ... and the color and cut were nice ... and maybe, just maybe, this pair might actually be made to fit a real person and not some stick-figure fashion model. So I took them into the dressing room and tried them on ...

And a chorus of angels burst into song as I sank softly into the most comfortable pair of jeans I'd ever put on.

I knew without even looking in the mirror that I would buy them, they fit and felt that good. And then I dared look in the mirror: Hmmm, not bad from the front. Not bad at all. No mommy bulge ... no muffin top ...

But what about the back? I stepped outside to face the dreaded three-way mirror.

And there was that choir of angels again!

Waaaa-hooo! My ass looked great, if-I-do-say-so-myself!

Seriously, these are the most comfortable thing I have ever put on my lower half.
They are magic ... a'la Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. They FIT. They DO make your tummy flatter and your butt firmer, and they ARE so comfortable that you could do yoga in them.

I mean, c'mon! Sliced bread's got nothin' on these jeans!

And then I found out they come in SLACKS, too!

*Haaa-lle-lu-jah ... Haaa-lle-lu-jah*

Consider this a Public Service Announcement for curvy women everywhere: Buy. These. Jeans.

At least go try them on.

If I was Oprah, every woman on my show would get a pair of these jeans. "You get a hot ass, and you get a hot ass, and you get a hot ass ..."

* Disclaimer: Jeans may or may not include angelic chorus.