The ZenHusband and I take turns picking up the 5-year-old Minion from kindergarten. The other day, we were comparing notes and an interesting fact came up:He has had several complete conversations with many of the other kindergarten parents waiting to pick up their kids.
I've never said so much as a word to any one of them.
That pretty much sums up one of the biggest differences between me and my husband:
He is an extrovert - a bonhomie for whom it is easy and natural to strike up a conversation with darn-near anyone.
And I am the introvert - I'm borderline anti-social when it comes to meeting new people. "Socializing" does not come naturally to me; and most social gatherings are just varying degrees of uncomfortable for me.
So much so that strangers and casual acquaintances have described me as unfriendly and even snobby. I don't think that's accurate. I like to think I'm actually quite a nice person, when you get to know me. :)
But I understand why I come off that way - I don't make it at all easy for people to know me.
Let me clarify here: I'm not shy. I'm introverted - two different things. "Shy" describes someone who avoids social interaction because of nervousness. Shy people want to interact, but they are anxious about it. Introverts are not nervous about social interaction - they just don't enjoy it.
In other words: A shy person is lonely. An introvert is just alone.
For me, there are some exceptions: With friends and close family, I can be very friendly and talkative - it can sometimes be hard to shut me up! At work, I'm never slow to speak up - in fact, formal and informal communication with all kinds of people is a key element of my job. A job that I happen to be pretty good at.
And yet, I'm the last person in the world who would strike up a casual conversation with a stranger. In fact, I'm more likely to be the person striding purposefully, headphones in my ears, avoiding eye contact with passersby.
Random chit-chat with strangers? Casual communication without purpose?
Meh. I'll pass.
I just don't have the inclination for "small talk" - it doesn't interest me. It feels forced and uncomfortable. It drains me. I'd really rather not do it.
That's where the (mis?)perception that I'm a snob comes from, I know. But it's true: If I'm not really motivated to get to know you for some reason, I'm not going to waste my time and energy - or yours - with idle conversation.
And then there's the internet ...
Where I bare my thoughts and ideas and opinions on a regular basis; where I engage perfect strangers in blog comments; where I strike up up random conversations on Twitter; where I trade jokes with Facebook friends.For an anti-social person, I'm curiously entrenched in social media.
If you only "know" me online, I'd be curious to hear what your perception of my "socialness" is. Because I find it a lot more enjoyable to "talk" to people online than I do in person.
And I'm not sure why that is.
Why is it relatively easily for me to communicate with people online and yet I find personal engagement so uncomfortable? How can I have developed such strong bonds though a computer (and, yes, a few of my online friends have become very good IRL friends, too) ... and yet feel so completely removed from people I see every week - like the parents at my son's school?
Yeah, yeah, I know: It's not an unusual phenomenon. I gather there are many people like me - more comfortable conversing through a computer than face-to-face. There's probably even a name (and maybe even a pill, considering the state of things today) for it.
But, hey, this is my blog, I can naval-gaze if I want to. ;)
Whatever it is, I don't see it changing anytime soon. It seems like the older I get the less inclined I am to stretch outside my comfort zone and make the effort - and yes, for me it takes a great deal of effort - to "socialize" with new people.
And, you know, I'm really okay with that. As much as I love my darling, extroverted husband, I'm just not interested in sliding over to meet him on the extroversion-introversion scale - I'm not broken. I don't need fixing.
Yes, I'm probably missing out on some interesting people in real life because of my (anti-)social quirks. But I'm pretty happy where I am - even if it is mostly in my own head.
So, I'll leave the socializing to The ZenHusband and he can leave the blogging to me. Maybe eventually he can introduce me to the other kindergarten moms.
What about you? Are you more introverted or extroverted? Is it easier for you to talk to people online then in person? Or am I just a weirdo? :)
I'm an extroverted sociopath, which means I'll talk to you even if we're strangers, but if you're boring as fuck I'm going to turn my back and tell you, "Uh, I have to go stand over here now," and not feel bad about it.
ReplyDeleteBeing an introvert is not something that ever has to change -- or can, really. We are raised in an extroverted culture and we are surrounded by a medical culture that LOVES to pathologize personality. Arrggghhhh...
ReplyDeleteI am also the "not shy" variety of introvert. I constantly have to explain to people that to be introverted is all about where we GET OUR ENERGY. Being around people drains us and it fills up extrovert.
My partner is an extrovert and learning more and more about how our brains are just basically different has helped us so much. Now I know it's simply okay for her to head out for a beer with a friend and I can stay home. Small things! :)
(There are some great brain studies you can find through the internet on all of this -- we literally ARE physiologically different. Also, the book Introvert Power -- highly recommended.)
Introvert in my personal life, extrovert in my professional life. I've been in some sort of sales my entire career. A dilemma for a natural introvert. I've learned to overcome it in business settings but for my personal life, I prefer to have 4 or 5 VERY close friends versus a huge group of people who I don't know very well.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm.....
ReplyDeleteYes.....Clone, she is
I may not start a conversation with a stranger, but I'll make them regret that they had.
ReplyDeleteSFD: I may have a hint of that attitude in my personality DNA, too. ;)
ReplyDeleteChristine: Thanks! I know we're in the minority, so it's nice to hear your experience, too! My husband goes out to social things without me a lot too - I think it makes him feel a little bad, but, he's learning that I really am happier NOT going! :) I'll also look up that book - sounds interesting!
Big City Dad: See, I think most people I work with would not think of me as an introvert - but they have no idea how much energy it takes for me to be "social" - I am already DREADING this year's office Christmas party.
Mom: I will be sending you the therapy bills. ;)
Whit: As much as I have come to adore your brain, I would not want to be on the sharp end of your wit. :)
i really liked this.
ReplyDeletei used to THINK i was an extrovert, but it turns out that i'm an introvert. my extrovert nature was born out of adolescent insecurities and suited me well from high school all the way through my twenties.
however, slowly but surely i realized that i was actually an introvert. i could go on and on and on about my revelation, but this is YOUR blog, my friend, not mine! so i'll leave it at this: going from extrovert to introvert has suited me well, but it's confused the hell out of the friends i made back in the day! OH, and one more thing. like you, i'm not such an extrovert on social media sites.
great post!!
That's why its weird for me that people I meet online say they want to meet me. DON'T THEY KNOW?
ReplyDeleteI actually like talking online better than "real" communication too (unless it's with my good friends).
ReplyDeleteI think people are more willing to talk about meaningful things online than they are during random casual chit chat.
I'm an enigma wrapped in a riddle (wrapped in a vest) when it comes to social skills. I'm totally outgoing if I know you some how--like if I've met you a few times before as with some of my son's friend's parents--or with people I've met via the internet. But there are other times when I'm just socially inept. I have a bad memory and I will get all self conscious if I think I should know you but I don't.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, I think I'm a pretty outgoing guy though. I dunno ZenMom. You'd have to ask ZenHusband what he thinks.
As for you, you seem incredibly outgoing and social. But as you say, this is the internet where we craft our identities carefully through our words.
I'm going to make something up here and call myself a midtrovert. I can roll either way on any given day.
ReplyDeleteUsually correlates with my caffeine intake.
I'm a horrible extrovert. I talk to EVERYONE. But then again, I don't consider conversation with a stranger small talk.
ReplyDeleteOn the internet it’s the complete opposite, because I can read about a person and choose to communicate or not, which is soooooo different from starting a conversation at a bar. Because I already know your favorite movies and goals in life – I read them on your profie – and half the fun of talking to people is trying to figure stuff like that out with as much laughter as possible.
The internet is a tricky place, because I’m not blogging to be a part of a community. I’m blogging to write and read good writing. So on the internet, I’m a flat out snob. I’m not here to make friends. If you bore me, I will ignore you. Simple as that.
Then again, I will also choose to ignore someone in person if our conversation begins with the weather and "so what do you do for a living?"
Good, thought-provoking post, sir. Very good post.
I'm just boring.
ReplyDeleteI'm a mix.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with introversion. Our society needs extros and intros. There's room for everyone.
I think it really depends on my mood. Sometimes I strike up random conversations with strangers and sometimes I spit at them, but I'm kinda messed up in the head. Anyway, I'd love to meet you.
ReplyDeleteZenMom... I think we need to steal this post and put it up for RWVM!!!
ReplyDeleteI am completely the opposite of you. I'm more like your husband. And I'm the same online that I am in person.
I mean, sometimes I don't go out of my way to get in someone's face and introduce myself. But I will if I feel like I want to get to know them or pass time.
Great post!
I don't think it's a stretch to say I'm a blatant extrovert both on-line (anyone here following me on twitter knows what I mean) and off-line. My wife and I will both go for massages and I'll come out knowing the masseuse's life story while she won't even know the name of the guy who just spent an hour with his hands all over her. (uhh. what??)I just love learning about people, their names, their heritage, their family, whatever. Like Rassles, though, if I find you boring on-line I'll skip ya.
ReplyDeleteWhat you say about the ZH learning to go out on his own is a lesson I'm working on as well. I do feel guilty when I go out while the wife stays home to watch Survivor (yech) or some such. Maybe she really means it when she says I shouldn't worry about her but to just go out and have fun. Still having a hard time groking that. 'course "dense" is a word often applied to me so who knows when it'll sink in.
So here's another mixed-relationship datapoint.
I'm the same EXACT way! I couldn't be bothered with strangers normally. I had an ultrasound the other day and the tech was chatting on and on and on about her life and I kept thinking, "When is this going to be over?" It's not that I'm shy. I'm perfectly comfortable conversing with people. I just don't enjoy it usually. I go through the motions sometimes. And when I go through the motions I feel strangely like a sociopath pretending to have normal human feelings. Like I'm pretending to care when I just don't give a shit. But the internet? Different story entirely. I love interacting on here. Through blogs, facebook, whatever. I don't know why it is that I'm like this. Maybe it's because it's something I can pick up and put down at my leisure? Maybe I'm more comfortable with writing my thoughts than I am with speaking them? I don't know. Thanks for writing this, though. I definitely don't feel like such a freak knowing that there is someone else out there like me.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
ReplyDeleteI am shy and introvert at the same time:)
The best description of the difference between an introvert and an extrovert that I've heard is that an extrovert gets energy from social interaction whereas an introvert is drained of energy by social interaction. I like people, but if I have a lot of social interaction I need a lot of alone time to recharge.
ReplyDelete