20 November 2009

Gone

Eight years gone.

We would have celebrated her birthday this week.
The day almost slipped by me.
Almost.

Is it good that my chest
is less tight
when I think of her?

Is it bad that her face
is fuzzy
at the edges of my memory?

Is it wrong that I still think of her like a big sister
and today
I'm older than she ever lived to be?

15 comments:

  1. HubmanNovember 21, 2009 at 5:40 AM

    Of course it's fair to still think of her as your older sister! That's what she always was, right?

    I'm sorry for your loss :-(

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  2. OneZenMomNovember 21, 2009 at 7:40 AM

    She was not my biological sister. But she was the closest thing I ever had to a big sister.

    Her "real" sister has been my best friend for 30 years. I call their mom my "Other-Mother". When Liz died, it felt like I lost a limb. And still I know my pain was nothing compared to theirs.

    But knowing that doesn't fill the empty spot or make the ache any less. Most days, I live with it just fine. But some days, I feel the loss more keenly.

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  3. DGBNovember 21, 2009 at 8:45 AM

    Oh Zen. Heartbreaking.

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  4. People in the SunNovember 21, 2009 at 9:02 AM

    I'm sorry. Don't be hard on yourself. However you feel is the right way to feel, you know?

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  5. AnonymousNovember 21, 2009 at 1:22 PM

    Dang girl. That sucks for sure. The worst part of dealing with death is that the longer we live the more of it we will inevitably have to deal with.

    Hugs.

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  6. DebbieNovember 21, 2009 at 7:56 PM

    so sorry for you loss!!!

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  7. GwenNovember 21, 2009 at 9:23 PM

    I know how it feels to lose a big sister. I know how it feels to find yourself older than your big sister. It sucks in a bazillion ways. I'm sorry that you're sad.

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  8. Alessia L.November 22, 2009 at 5:23 AM

    Hugs

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  9. Keith WilcoxNovember 22, 2009 at 9:45 AM

    I think I can sympathize. I lost my best friend, one that I considered like a brother, on 9-11. I still remember him clearly because it wasn't that long ago, but I can feel him slipping away little by little. Don't feel ashamed because I think it's just human nature that the living press on and leave the dead behind. It's how it should be

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  10. James (SeattleDad)November 22, 2009 at 1:30 PM

    Sad. I'm sorry.

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  11. SciFi DadNovember 22, 2009 at 5:12 PM

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    I think it's normal for people to continue to age in our mind's eye after they pass away. People are always viewed through the lens of our perspective; you see people differently than I see them, for instance. So yeah, it's OK to have the idea that she's your older sister even if your age has exceeded hers.

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  12. November 23, 2009 at 9:21 AM

    Wow. Great tribute. Death make take them away in form... perhaps that is why their face seems fuzzy... but they're still with you. In memories and in love.

    ((hugs))

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  13. DanielleNovember 23, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    I am sorry for your loss. It really never gets easier for the ones left behind, does it. My thoughts are with you.

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  14. AnonymousNovember 23, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    I think these days always stick in your mind.

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  15. BrutalismNovember 25, 2009 at 8:40 AM

    Hey, ZM -- I'm so sorry to hear that.

    ReplyDelete

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