Tech Support Blues

Technically, I don't actually do "tech support".

But the reality is, when you have a tiny department, you do a bit of everything. So, as much as I'd love to just hide in my office all day doing my happily antisocial, introverted admin stuff... I end up having to actually *gasp* talk to our staff users pretty frequently.

I thought it might be fun (or at least cathartic) to jot down some of the more interesting and frequent conversations I have as an in-house “IT Guy”. (And by “interesting” I mean, “aaaaarrrrrggghhh” and by “frequent” I mean, “OMFSM IF I HAVE THIS CONVERSATION ONE MORE TIME, MY HEAD MIGHT EXPLODE.”)

So, counting down the Top 5 conversations I have pretty much every week, ranked on a scale of 1 to I-Will-Cut-You:


5) If it was a snake ...

User: I know I asked you this before, but ... (insert very simple question or task here)

Seriously, would it KILL you to just save the answer/instructions from the LAST 10 times I sent it to you? No, hey, it's cool. I totally have nothing better to do than to Google stuff for you allllll day long.

4) The Accuser

User: My password doesn’t work. It worked yesterday. *side eye* Did you change something?

Me: Is your capslock on? Did you accidentally type a comma instead of a period in your email address? Can you try carefully typing your email address and password one more time?

User: Oh, it’s working now. What did you do?

Yes, dear, it's a conspiracy. I get off on logging in and changing passwords at night, just to fuck with you.

3) I have no idea how this happened.

User: I’m getting all these funny pop-ups?

Me: Turn it off. Don’t touch anything. I’m sending someone.

Again. 

2) Just Make It Happen 

Manager: I want X.

Me: OK, here’s a few questions we need to answer to make that purchase.

Manager: *provides partial answers to half the questions*

Me: Okaaaay. How about I give you a call and we can have a chat and figure this out?

Manager: OMG why are you making this so hard? I told you everything you need to know.

You filled in the line next to "Quantity?" with the answer "Sure". How is that even a thing?

Just Make It Happen 2.0

Manager: I want THIS device.

Me: Okay. You know that can't do X, right?

Manager: Yes, yes. I want THIS one.

Me: Here you go.

Manager: Good. Now make it do X.

Me: Um, remember when we told you it can't do X? That was because it can't actually do X.

Manager: OMG WHY DID YOU EVEN BUY ME THIS DEVICE THEN?!

Okay, are you just gaslighting me now, or what?

And in the coveted #1 spot: 

1) I AM THE IT GUY! 

Less frequent, but still highly stab-worthy, are the occasional men (and it's almost always men), either of the vendor/sales flavor or the new-to-our-organization variety, who don't realize the feminine voice on the other end of the phone is, in fact, the friendly neighborhood "IT Guy".

THAT conversation usually follows some variation of them assuming I’m a secretary and asking me to get a “real” IT guy for them.

Yeah. I’ll get right on that, Sport. You totally just moved to the top of the list. Probably not the list you were expecting, but it's a list. 

Geek Girl meets NerdyShirts: A Love Story

"Nerd!"

Once upon a time, hearing that from my classmates made me cringe.

I was the girl in the twisty pig-tails with her nose stuck in a book while the other kids played on the jungle gym; the one who actually took pride in raising my hand in class and knowing the right answer. I was the girl who would really rather go home and play with my brother's Masters of the Universe and Star Wars action figures than go out and play Barbie or Cabbage Patch dolls with the girls down the block. And I was probably the only girl on that block who couldn't decide who she wanted to date more: Han Solo, Gambit or Starbuck. (What? I like the bad boys, so sue me. I totally had a thing for Wesley Crusher, too, if that helps.)

I learned pretty quickly that it wasn't "cool" to be a nerd - especially a nerd of the girl variety. So, I learned to be a little bit "in the closet" about my geek girl tendencies for most of my school years.

But in college - I learned to embrace my nerdiness. Partly because it was around that age that I started to realize that what random people think of me is nowhere near as important and what I think of me. And partly because I found, for the first time, friends who shared my interests.

Suddenly, it was okay to be smart. It was cool to quote scifi movies. It was fun to spend a Saturday in a Buffy marathon.

And it was finally okay for me to buy and wear the awesome "guy" tees that I secretly coveted as a little girl. (I cannot tell you how desperately unfair it was that only boys got to have superhero Underoos when I was a kid. I am still traumatized by the injustice of it all.)

Still, even then, I was buying "guy" shirts. They just didn't make "nerdy" tees for girls.

Today, it's a little easier to find geek girl gear than it once was (yay!), but it's still more of a man's world when it comes to nerdy apparel.

When I find a cool place to buy new and fun nerdy tees and accessories - AND when that place actually sells shirts made to fit over *gasp* boobs and not just skinny basement-dweller torsos and Comic Book Guy proportions - my previously oppressed inner geek girl gets pretty excited.

So when the nice folks at NerdyShirts asked me to check out their site and *ooooo* pick out a free t-shirt to try out ... well, I'm not gonna lie, Marge, I kind of *squeeed* a little. Then I got to shopping.

I have to admit, I spent a loooong time browsing around NerdyShirts. I had a really hard time picking out just one shirt to get my grubby little hands on to review for you, my awesome readers, who I love and would pimp myself out offer up my review services for.

First: My one little criticism ... the selection at NerdyShirts is not as broad as some other similar sites. BUT, the fact that they have a whole section of "girl" shirts that's almost as big as the "guy" section goes a long way for me.

The prices are really pretty good, too - most of their shirts are $14.99. That's better than a lot of other similar online shops by at $5-$10. But the lesser price doesn't mean lesser quality. Based on the shirt that I got (see awesome pic above) these are not cheap, thin, flimsy tees - it's got decent material and construction that should last as least as long as your average scifi tv series. (Kidding! It will totally outlast most of those.) ;)

I also really like that you can easily filter your search results by gender and size and theme - cuz, you know, sometimes you want an XL Star Wars shirt for your favorite geek guy and sometimes you're looking for a size small vintage comic book tee for your gal pal and sometimes you need a last minute birthday present for your medium-sized brother the recovering Nintendo-addict.

My verdict: Overall, NerdyShirts is a great site: Easy interface, quality products, good prices - and, my personal favorite - a great "girls" section. Oh, and apparently, these guys never read the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, because, if you're not happy, they've got a great return/exchange policy, too.

True story: I've already picked out my brother's xmas present from NerdyShirts and I suspect Santa will be doing a bit more shopping there before the end of the year.

So: Geeks and Gamers and Nerds (Oh, my!): Check it NerdyShirts yourself and let me know what YOU think?

Let your geek flag fly,

Zen

And you people mocked my Zombie Attack Plans

Who's laughing now, eh?

I've been saying for years that waiting until the walking dead are on your doorstep to worry about your armory is just asking to become a brain-buffet. My Zombie Apocalypse motto: Plan ahead!

So, how much do I love the CDC this week:

The Centers for Disease Control: Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

Okay, seriously, this is a hilarious and totally effective marketing strategy on the part of the CDC. The PR-Chick side of my brain is giving them a big ol' standing O for it.

BUT ... the geek side of my brain (which may arguably be the more dominant lobe), is screaming: "Dude, that list is fine for your standard earthquake or tsunami or pandemic, but these are the walking dead we're taking about! You're gonna need more than some jugs of water, a change of clothes and some duct tape!" (Though duct tape IS one of the staples of my own ZAP* Kit .)

Which is where this brilliant bit of journalism - featuring the awesomely funny Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess) - comes in:

Washington Post: CDC prepares for Zombie Apocalypse: tips on how to survive

Like Jenny, I believe in being prepared. Which is why we have this little gem on the shelf, right next to the first aid kit.

All due respect to the CDC, if you really want to survive the impending Zombie Apocalypse, I suggest supplementing the CDC's list with a weekend at home with a stack of zombie flicks and a fresh notebook. My personal favorites:

• Shaun of the Dead
• Zombieland
• Night of the Living Dead (The 1968 original AND 1990 remake)
• Dawn of the Dead
• Resident Evil (And it's sequels)
• Night of the Comet

Now, to be honest, some of these are going to offer good and useful advice for the Zombie Apocalypse. Others ... well, you're gonna want to take notes on what NOT to do. I leave figuring out which is which as an exercise for the student.

Your turn: Any movies or books or other study guides that you would add to the list?

Locked and loaded,
Zen

*ZAP: Zombie Attack Plan. Patent Pending.

Wonder Woman FAIL

Dear David E.Kelly:

I'm suddenly very glad that I DON'T currently have television programming at my home.

Because, if I did, I'd probably have to watch this heinous interpretation of the costume of one of my favorite super heroines prance across my 38 inch TV. In Hi-Def. And that might just burn my retinas out.

I'm okay with the pants idea - and the semi-sensible heel on the boots is alright. But those are just about the only nice things I can say about this ... outfit.

Head-to-toe (or, in this case, breast-to-toe) shiny latex?! Really?! That is just hideous. It looks like she was dressed by a fetishist. Seriously, she looks all lubed up. And not in a good way.

And can she even move in that thing? Hell, can she even breathe? I get that it has to be all tight and sexy, 'cuz that's what people expect in a superhero costume. And I admit the bustier is Canon. But there's no way in hell she could actually do anything heroic in that top except stand very still while other Justice League members feel her up.

I'm pretty sure if she raised her arms to actually throw that lasso on her hip, her boobs would pop right out the top like one of those snakes-in-a-peanut-brittle-cans. Not to mention the fact that she can forget about sneaking up on any villains since she's going to sound like a balloon animal convention every time she moves.

So, I guess the target audience here is ... what? ... horny basement geeks and slutty co-eds?

You know, David, it's hard enough for a Geek Girl to find a decent Super Heroine to look up to, ya know? And you go and take one of the good ones and make her look like a cheap whore.

Nice. Thanks.

Just so you know? Joss would never have done this.

Disappointed,

Zen

No TV and no beer make Homer something something

Brace yourself, kids, I have a big confession to make:

I have no TV.

Well, to be specific, I do have a television (and great big HD LCD, in point of fact), but I have no television programming. And I haven't had it since last June, when we canceled our DirecTV subscription. Because we are too lazy not motivated enough to get a roof antenna, we don't even have "local" channels.

I know, right?! The HORROR!

But you know what?

*whispers* It's not that bad.

Wait,I know what you're thinking: How can a self-professed pop culture and scifi geek such as myself have possibly have survived so long without TV?!?!

How have I not gone all Jack Torrance and started chasing down the neighbors with an axe?! How have I managed to keep from cutting my co-workers' hearts out with spoons?! How is it that no bunnies have ended up in soup pots?

Quick, before the TV people come breaking down my door with their flashy thingies and force-feed me Retcon - let me let you in on a little secret: Between our Netflix Instant steaming video and the full-length episodes of many of my favorite shows that are available online (not to mention our own extensive DVD collection), we've hardly missed our satellite programming at all!

Sure, there are a few shows we miss. But, the truth is, we got used to the change pretty quickly.

Ha! So there, satellite TV company! Take that TV advertisers! We don't need no stinkin' TV programming! Not us! We are unplugged, man ... we are free ... we are ...

Wait, WHAT?!?!

AT&T To Cap DSL Internet Data Usage At 150GB

Guh-wha?! But I ... You can't ... I need ... What the Flagnar?! Noooooooo!

If you need me, I'll be the one in the fetal position under the coffee table frantically Googling alternative ISPs.

Zen

You bring the bullets, I'll bring the wine

I've occasionally been accused of having a bit of a bite to my sense of humor. So, it's not really a surprise that my take on Valentine's Day has, in the past, been just a smidge on the sick-and-twisted side.

Let the tradition continue:

 

 

And, finally, because a ZenMom Valentine's Day post is just not complete without Zombies ...

Be Mine,
Zen


P.S. Trooper Thorn over at Dogs and Jeans has a V-Day post I can get behind. ;)

* Images blatantly borrowed from the devilishly brilliant WrongCards and Someecards.

** Post Title: Bullets, byBob Schneider

Irresolute

It's no secret that I'm not big on making New Year's resolutions. I'm all for goals, but I just don't see any special significance in setting them at the turning of the calendar 

Still, I suppose I do have a few things I'd like to accomplish in 2011. In no particular order, I'd like to:

• Beat SciFi Dad at Words with Friends. At least once.
• Earn my Yellow Belt in Kenpo. Maybe even my Orange Belt. 
• See at least one "grown-up" movie in the theater. This is harder than it sounds. I seriously can't remember the last non-G-Rated movie we went to.
• Develop a get-out-of-debt plan that doesn't involve faking my own death. 
• Comment more frequently on my favorite blogs. Which, for some strange reason, are all dad blogs. Is that weird?
• Write more. Here, yes. But also on my other personal writing projects. Because if I keep focusing only on the writing I get paid for, I'm pretty sure my brain will start to leak out of my ears before midsummer.
• Read more. Because the pile of books next to my bed is getting tall enough that if it topples over, it could trap or injure a pet or small child. 
• And, of course, complete that annual update of the old Zombie Survival Plans.

So, do you have any big plans for 2011?

Zen

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New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving the road to hell with them as usual. ~ Mark Twain

New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights. ~ Hamilton Wright Mabie

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's. ~ Henry Moore

 One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. ~John Burroughs
 
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Achievement Unlocked

I don't care if it's "PC" or not, I like this. And not just because it features one of my favorite geek crushes.


Geek and Gamer Girls Song 

I guess there's been some "controversy" among the geek community about this video re: Geek cred, "real" geek girls, and the relative sexiness thereof. To which I offer a resounding: "Meh." It's entertainment, not a manifesto. Get over it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to playing Halo: Reach and Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening. These achievements won't unlock themselves, ya know.

Still geeky after all these years,
Zen

You know the music. Time to dance.

If I go missing for a few days ...

... no need to send in the troops. I'm probably, um, working really hard. Yeah. That's it.

Ready to respawn,
Zen

What I did on my Summer Vacation

Didja miss me?

I took a couple weeks off of work this month and we borrowed a friend's condo near the beach on the Central Coast.

The weather alone was worth the trip: Lovely 60 degree mornings and evenings and beautiful cool breezes all day long. Coming home to 100+ degrees was such a shock to the system as to make one weep. I so need to move there. I wore a jacket, people. You just don't do that in July 'round these parts!

We played on the beach, went on fun outings, did the whole sight-seeing thing and just chilled out. It was totally relaxing and exactly what I needed before heading back into a soon-to-be-super-busy time at work.

Oh yeah ... and the Spartans enjoyed their Summer Vacation, too ...

So, are you doing (or did you do) anything special this summer? What's your favorite vacation spot: City, country, wilderness? Beach, mountains, plains?

R&R'd,
Zen

Adventures of the Toy Spartans: At Home

We have some new recruits at Casa de Zen. And the kids and I (okay, mostly just me) have been having a blast documenting their adventures.

Adventures of the Toy Spartans, Part 1: Making Themselves at Home

Pop Culture Peeps

Happy Easter, Peeps!

We are busy biting the heads off of bunnies and chickies today over here at the House of Zen. But before the sugar crash hits, I thought I'd share some of my favorite pop-culture Peep art, borrowed from various and sundry places around the interwebs.

I admit my sense of peep-humor is just ever-so-slightly off-of-center. But if you want to see some more fun and interesting Peep art, check out the Washington Post's 2010 Peep Diorama Contest. There are a lot of people out there with a very weird talent and a lot of time on their hands.

Happy Hunting,
Zen