Expectations

I wasn't feeling very "zen" yesterday. In fact, I was pretty upset.

I can't remember the last time I was this upset. (If any male-type folks suggest that it was about 28 days ago - I WILL verbally emasculate you.)

Anyway, I was very grumpy last night. Why? Because I didn't get my way.

I know. Mature, huh?

The reader's digest version of events: I wanted something. I couldn't have it. It sucked.

Instead of taking it in stride, I got decided to get angry and feel sorry for myself. It wasn't a conscious decision. But it was a decision, nonetheless.

I don't want things for myself very often. I always put my kids and my family first - with no regrets. Because I am the Mommy. That is my job. And my joy.

I think what made me so frustrated about THIS instance was that I COULD have had what I wanted - if I was willing to be just a little bit selfish and irresponsible. But I don't do that. Because I am the Mommy.

So, I did what I always do ... the right thing. *sigh* Sometimes it's hard being a grown-up.

I feel better about it today. But I'm still a bit out of sorts. Still feeling that "life is not fair" vibe. Which is silly, I know. Because life is NOT "fair" ... Life just is.

The Buddha would say that my unhappiness is caused by my desires.

Lao Tzu would say my unhappiness is caused by struggling against the way things are.

Shakespeare (via Hamlet) would say that "nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

All true.

But what kept running through my head last night as I lay awake WAY past my normal bedtime were the words of author and mom Vivian Glyck: "Expectations are the enemy of happiness."

That was my problem. I was stuck in an unhappy loop caused by the disconnect between my expectations and my reality.

As much as I want to blame somebody else for my bad mood, I know it was really just me. I control my thoughts. And my thoughts control my life. Outside influences are irrelevant.

Happiness is a choice. I was making the wrong choice.

I had set up expectations for what "should" be. Then things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to be. Instead of accepting the reality and finding the good in it, I fought against it, making myself unhappy.

The universe does not make mistakes. If what I think "should be" does not match up with what IS ... well, the universe is not going to change. So I need to.

Because railing at the universe about things I cannot control is a not a good use of my time.

Open your hand. Look at your palm.

We can choose to spend our time thinking about all of the things we DON'T have to fill that hand ... or we can choose to be thankful for the strength and beauty and usefulness of that hand.

If you obsess about how things SHOULD be ... you miss out on the great happiness to be found in the way things ARE.

I KNOW this. But, some days it can be harder than others to LIVE it.

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson:

"My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

All These Things I've done

Got this from a friend. BOLD the things you've done. Try it. It's fun. :)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you could afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a super-hero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Gone River Rafting
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (in the process)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Para-sailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Marriage in California

So, the California Supreme Court has ruled that denying gays the right to marry is unconstitutional.

I agree.

I don't get why some people get so upset about gay marriage. I'm still waiting for just ONE rational explanation, though I've heard a whole lot of irrational ones:

"It will damage the sanctity of marriage."

Um, how? My marriage is going great, thanks. If the gay couple down the street decides to tie the knot next month, my marriage will still be going great. Unless you or someone you love is gay, I can't see how this affects you at all.

I don't like liver and onions. I find it offensive in the extreme. But I have no problem with people eating it in their own home. Doesn't affect my dinner. Same concept.

"This will open the door to polygamy and the next thing you know people will want to marry their cats and their toasters."

Hmph. Aside from being REALLY insulting, this argument, too, is bunk. First, because this does not "open the door" to anything other than what it is: Ending the discrimination of gays when it comes to the legal contract of marriage. Unless cats and toasters are granted citizenship and the ability to offer legal consent, I don't think you have a lot to worry about.

As for polygamy - I actually feel the same legal standard should apply. I have no personal interest in polygamy, but if that is what works for some consenting adults, then the state really should stay out of it. But, the bottom line is that this is not about any of those things. It is only about gay marriage. One step at a time.

"God hates homosexuality." or "Homosexuality is a sin."

That's nice. So what? In this country we have a separation of church and state. If your religion wants to deny a religious ceremony to a gay couple, it has that right. But the STATE does NOT have the luxury of bigotry. Under the law, marriage is a contract. The state cannot stop a consenting adult from entering into a contract based solely on his or her sexual orientation.

"They can have a civil union, they don't need a marriage."

Oh, gee thanks. Shall we have separate drinking fountains and bathrooms and bus seats, too? Yeah, that separate but equal thing didn't work 60 years ago, it's not gonna fly now. And what a stupid argument. You can have everything but the name ... "marriage" is "our" word, you can't have it, neener, neener, neener. Pfft. Ridiculous. In that case, let's just change all "marriages" to a "civil unions", please. Oh, what's that? The legal rights aren't actually the same? Ah. Guess it's not all that separate but equal, after all.

"Biology indicates that unions between man and woman are the "natural" way of things."

Hmmmm. This one SOUNDS rational. But it's still bunk. Homosexuality IS. It exists. It has existed for a long time. It's going to keep on existing. If you think it's unnatural, you need to take it up with mother nature, because she keeps cranking it out.

And for those who throw out the "it's a choice, not biology" argument: First, you are wrong. And second, even if you were right - so what? Doesn't change the fact that people ARE gay. And it doesn't change the fact that they are being denied their civil rights based on that. Which is wrong. And, oh yeah, they tried THIS argument in the 60s, too.

"Marriage is for having children."

This is so stupid, I don't even want to address it. So infertile or childless-by-choice couple should just go jump, huh? Idiots.


Nope. Not one valid argument to justify this denial of civil liberties.

The only possible way I can see that homosexuality in the abstract could bother you is in your own mind: "I don't like it; don't make me acknowledge it; it makes me uncomfortable."

Get over it. It's not hurting you.

Seriously, how does it "hurt" you? How does it "threaten you" or "threaten America"? How does it even AFFECT you?

There are many SERIOUS problems in our society today that actually DO threaten our lives, our security, our collective future. Instead of focusing on what consenting adults do in their bedrooms or who someone else chooses to love, how about redirecting some of that energy where it can do some real good?

I support gay marriage because I support civil rights and I support the separation of church and state. And I support the idea of as little government intrusion as possible into it’s citizens lives - a value the Republican party USED to hold up as well. Irony, eh?

I do believe that, in the long run, we will outgrow this “separate but equal” mentality and learn to accept people who are different. I just hope it is sooner rather than later. I want my kids to grow up in a country that truly is about freedom for everyone.

"The delusion that one's sexual pattern is The Only Right Way To Be is probably the single most common sexual-psychosis syndrome of this era, and it is virtually almost always the victim's fault. You cannot acquire this delusion by observing reality."
~ Spider Robinson

The Emperor's Club

I saw a wonderful movie a while back: "The Emperor's Club" starring Kevin Kline, who I happen to think is a fabulous actor. I highly recommend that everyone watch this movie. It is based on the book "The Palace Thief" and it has a great message.

For those who have not seen it, it is the story of an ancient history teacher - Mr. Hundert - at a boy's school in the late 1960s. He believes that it is the teacher's job not just to inform his students, but to mold their character.

Here are a few of the ideas he tries to impart to his students:

"Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated, drunkenness sobered, but STUPID lasts forever." ~ (attributed to Aristophanes)

"It is not living that is important, but living rightly" ~ (attributed to Socrates)

"Great ambition and conquest, without contribution, is without significance. What will be your contribution? How will history remember you?" ~ Mr. Hundert

"As I have grown older, I realized that I am certain of only two things: Any morning that begins rowing on the lake is better that one that doesn't, and, a man's character is his fate." ~ Mr. Hundert

"A worth of a life is not measured by a single success or a solitary failure." ~ Mr. Hundert

People are stupid.

I had this epiphany one Wednesday: People are stupid.

Now, I know, you’re saying "But, zen, (you can call me zen, ‘cause we’re all friends here) this is not really an epiphany. You knew that all along."

But it WAS an epiphany. Because what I knew on Tuesday was "There are stupid people." What I realized on that Wednesday is "People are stupid." There’s a difference. And nothing has been the same since.

Before Wednesday, I met people who – as my grandma would say - “haven’t got the sense God gave little green apples”. But I thought they were a minority. Before Wednesday, I walked around with the bar set higher. I would meet someone and assume they were intelligent.

But after that Wednesday … I realize that it is much safer to assume someone is stupid until it is proven otherwise. After Wednesday, I understand “smart” is the exception, NOT the default. To be honest, that scares the hell out of me - especially when I think about the fact that I live in a country where “majority rules”.

While I do consider myself one of the “smart” ones, I want to head off at the pass one argument I can already see coming … This realization about the condition of mankind does not make me happy. This realization is not ego-boosting for me. I’m not saying, “I’m smarter than everybody else, nyah, nyah, nyah.”

Despite my recent realization about the breadth and depth of human stupidity, I also know that there are a heck of a lot of people out there who are a heck of a lot smarter than me. My disappointed realization, though, is that they are massively outnumbered by the woefully ignorant.

My sound-bite definition of smart: Someone who knows they are ignorant and wants to fix that. Smart is not necessarily “book learnin’” - the smartest person I know does not have a college degree. One of the dumbest people I know has a doctorate.

This is crucial, so pay attention: A lack of education does not necessarily make one stupid. But a lack of desire to improve your mind, does.

I should point out that I do know an awful lot of smart people. If you want to meet a few, check out my “Friends”. But the sad truth is, we are outnumbered.

But there was a second part to my realization: You can’t fix stupid.

Therein lies the upside! You can’t fix stupid. You can’t educate the willfully ignorant. You can’t enlighten the deliberately obtuse. And THAT realization is liberating.

I used to get frustrated – angry even – when I had to deal with exceptionally stupid people. I would try so hard to help them see what was so clear to me. I would use all of my passion and skill to try to educate them. I would beat my fists against the walls of their ignorance until I was too exhausted to go on. And then I would be upset that I couldn’t “fix” them.

Fast-forward to now. I have a much healthier outlook. You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. The truth is that the ONLY things any of us can control are our own thoughts – “control” of anything else is just an illusion.

So I don’t try to “fix” people anymore. I don’t try to change the opinion of someone who doesn’t really want to open her mind to new ideas.

That's not to say that I don’t voice my opinion. I’m just as passionate in my beliefs as ever. I still love a good argument. I still thrill at an intelligent debate. I’ve even been known to romp gleefully through a stupid rant, just for fun. If you have an opinion that is different than mine and you want to bat it around for a while, bring it on!

The difference now, is that I don’t get angry. I don’t let people get to me. I don’t take their stupidity personally. My epiphany set me free of my frustration. I’m centered. I'm zen.

So, now I just ask myself: Is this fight worth my most valuable commodity - my time? We only have so many hours on this planet. Do I want to spend some of those precious minutes fighting this fight? Will it be productive? Will it be stimulating? Will I be exposed to new ideas? Will I get to explore and express my own ideas? Will it be fun?

If the answer is no, I move on. If the answer is yes, I dive in head first and indulge myself. Because now that I am not worried about “fixing” people, I agree with Robert Heinlein: “It's an indulgence to sit in a room and discuss your beliefs as if they were a juicy piece of gossip.”


*This random rambling was brought to you by a friend who inspired me with her “Picking your Battles” blog – and tooooo many cups of really good Kona coffee.*

Library Day

Around here, "Saturday" has been replaced by "Library Day". :)

I enrolled Riley in the local library's Summer Reading Program and we've been having a blast. At the end of each week, he is so excited about "Library Day".

He and I go to the library together every Saturday and pick out three or four books for the week. Our goal is to read at least 5-7 books each week. Then, on the next Satruday, we write down the titles of all of the books we've read that week and we take the list back to the Library.

For meeting his weekly reading goal, he gets to pick a "prize" from the "treasure chest" at the library. They are just little plastic tinkets and doo-dads, but he gets so excited that he has "earned" a "prize" each week. He picks out something special and then can't wait to show Daddy when we get home.

Our visits to the library are a lot of fun. He loves picking out new books. He also likes to check on the fish in the tanks in the kids section - including "Nemo" and "Dory" in the big salt water tank.

I wish I had thought to keep a copy of our weekly reading lists for myself, but I haven't. Maybe I should start doing that this week. It might be fun to look back at what we've read.

So far, we've read about pirates, dragons, astronauts, Atlantis, bears, hens, rats, gators ... it's been terribly exciting.

Some books he wants to read over and over again. Others he's done with after one go-through. Sometimes I read them to him and then he "reads" them back to me.

Griffin doesn't usually have the patience to sit through a whole book - unless he gets to chew on it. But he's been getting better about sitting on Mommy's lap while I read to them.

We supplement the library books with the boy's personal library (which is quite well stocked, actually, thanks to their bibliophile mom.)

Some of Riley's current favorites from the home collection are "The Poky Little Puppy", "Runaway Bunny", "The Incredibles", "Whose Mouse are You?" and "Blues Sleepover". Griffin likes the animal-matching book "Who is My Mother?".

And, of course, Riley loves the "Prince Riley" stories that his dad and I take turns making up at bedtime. Griffin prefers a lullaby before bed.

Hopefully, we are starting good reading habits that will last them both a lifetime. But, in the meantime, we are having a lot of fun.

Now if only I could find the time to read some of MY books. My "to read" pile next to the bed is starting to get dangerously high. :)